The Love Song of J. Alfred Gogglebox (parody on Eliot’s The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)

The Love Song of J. Alfred Gogglebox
T. S. Helot

O quam te memorem televirgo!

Let us go then you and I
When the evening spreads out
Like a potato etherized upon a couch
Hence, in etherization, may commence holly communion
with the Couch Potato Union.

In the room women talk about Home and Away
Terry Christian, Chris Evans—with no dismay.

No! I’m not Prince Charles,
nor was I meant to be;
and I won’t have a big wedding on TV.
I’m just an attendant horde, whose vision
Is espoused to the television.

In the room women talk about Brookside
Pamela Anderson, Take That—joking aside

I have measured out my life with visions of the telly
precious sights of pneumatic bliss
gazes in inter-embracement,
and opticopro-

In the room women talk about Top of The Pops
Neighbours, Cantona—chewing on their lolipops

Do I dare eat a leech? Do I dare suck a nipple?
I shall were the tackiest union jack trousers
and jerk off upon a ripple.

I have seen the sluts shagging in the showers:
I do not think that they will take more than a tickle.

We have lingered by the chambers of the screen
By screen-girls wreathed with screen-weed red and brown
’Till human voices wake us, and we frown.


This is a parody, by Spiros Doikas, on T.S. Eliot’s The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. The parody contains many references to popular British culture as it was during the end of the ’90s. Links have been provided for these references as well as for British colloquialisms and slang that may shock the faint-hearted. Read with the original poem side by side for maximum pleasure. No disrespect is meant for Royalty or for anyone else for that matter. And, of course, any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental.

Manchester, 21 April 1996



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